FEAR AND LOATHING IN HOLLYWOOD
An Absolutely True, 100% Real, Definitely Plausible, Completely Fabricated Meeting With…Johnny Depp
Article by Matteo Molinari
An Office in Los Angeles — July 2011; 4:27 AM
ASSISTANT #1: Oh, good Lord, what the hell are we doing in the office at 4:30 in the morning? Is this the norm?
ASSISTANT #2: With Johnny, nothing is ever the norm. Anyway, he called. He wants to meet us here.
ASSISTANT #1: At 4:30 AM?!
ASSISTANT #2: Well, you just started so you don’t know him that well, but… yeah. He’s… “particular.”
ASSISTANT #1: …okay, we’re in the office. Where is he?
JOHNNY DEPP: Right here, guys!
ASSISTANT #1: (looking around) Johnny?
ASSISTANT #2: Where are you?
JOHNNY DEPP: I’m here, under the desk.
ASSISTANT #2: What are you doing under the desk?
JOHNNY DEPP: (popping up) Because I’m Johnny Depp! I’m quirky! People love me because of that!
ASSISTANT #1: …yeah. Right. How could I forget that?
JOHNNY DEPP: I was asking myself the same thing!
ASSISTANT #2: Uh… Johnny? Why did you call us here at 4:30 AM?
JOHNNY DEPP: Ah, yes! It’s very important: you have to watch me sleeping.
ASSISTANT #1 / 2: We what?!
JOHNNY DEPP: You are going to watch me while I sleep.
ASSISTANT #1: …
ASSISTANT #2: But… why?
JOHNNY DEPP: Because I’m quirky! So… (lying on the couch) …here I go. Wake me up at 10:58 on the dot.
ASSISTANT #1: 10:58? Why not 11… Oh, wait, don’t tell me: It’s because you’re quirky, isn’t it?
JOHNNY DEPP: You’re catching on, I see! And, you two DO NOT go to sleep. I need to be watched by two assistants, to have a good night of sleep. So, don’t go to sleep and remember to blink once every 20 seconds. No more. I’ll be checking on you. I have cameras in here, so I’ll see if you’ll be telling the truth!
ASSISTANT #1: But why can’t we–
JOHNNY DEPP: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…
ASSISTANT #2: Uh…
ASSISTANT #1: What should we do?
ASSISTANT #2: …let’s watch him while he sleeps.
ASSISTANT #1: Are you serious?!
ASSISTANT #2: …yup.
JOHNNY DEPP: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…
The Same Office in Los Angeles — July 2011; 10:58 AM
ASSISTANT #1: Mr. Depp?
ASSISTANT #2: Johnny? Johnny?
JOHNNY DEPP: (springing up) Ah, up and at ‘em!
ASSISTANT #1: Hooray.
ASSISTANT #2: So, Johnny: Why did you–
JOHNNY DEPP: Not now: I have to check if you actually were awake or not.
ASSISTANT #1: What?
JOHNNY DEPP: I told you I have cameras, in here, didn’t I? So… (walking to his desk and turning a computer on) …now we’ll see what you did do while I was asleep.
ASSISTANT #1: You can’t be–
ASSISTANT #2: That’s a good idea, Johnny. One of the quirkiest ever.
JOHNNY DEPP: I know! Oh, here we go. Annnd… “Play.”
The Same Office in Los Angeles — July 2011; 5:29 PM
JOHNNY DEPP: (shutting down his computer) Good. I see you didn’t sleep. Great. I, on the other hand, executed my role fairly well.
ASSISTANT #2: Uh… Johnny? Why are we here?
JOHNNY DEPP: Ah, yes! I’ve had this great idea! I want to star in a movie about The Lone Ranger.
ASSISTANT #1: The who?
ASSISTANT #2: The radio drama, “The Lone Ranger”?
JOHNNY DEPP: No, a remake of the instant classic, “The Legend of the Lone Ranger,” with Klinton Spilsbury.
ASSISTANT #1: …who is The Lone Ranger?
ASSISTANT #2: The “Hi-ho, Silver” guy?
JOHNNY DEPP: Precisely! You see, not a day goes by when I’m at the donut shop that someone approaches me and says, “Hey, Johnny! We’re famished for quirky, over-the-top Westerns about quasi-obscure characters! Why don’t you do one?”
ASSISTANT #1: When do you go to the donut shop?
JOHNNY DEPP: Never. I don’t eat donuts. Not quirky enough. The donut holes, on the other hand…
ASSISTANT #1: But so how come–
ASSISTANT #2: Forget it. (to Johnny) So… You’re going to be The Lone Ranger?
JOHNNY DEPP: Of course not!
ASSISTANT #2: Then who–?
JOHNNY DEPP: I’m going to be his trustworthy sidekick, Tonto!
ASSISTANT #1: Wasn’t he a Native American?
JOHNNY DEPP: I’m one tenth of one sixteenth of a half of two-percent Cherokee! I’m perfect for the role. And to honor my people, I’ll wear a dead bird on my head.
ASSISTANT #1 / 2: What?!
JOHNNY DEPP: You see, normally, I’d wear a hat. It’s a scientific fact that people love me more if, from my forehead up, I have something weird going on: either a crazy ‘do, or a crazy hat.
ASSISTANT #1: …“a scientific fact?”
ASSISTANT #2: How is that–?
JOHNNY DEPP: It all started with “Edward Scissorhands”: crazy ’do, huuuge success. “Benny & Joon”: hat, huuuge success. “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”: no hat, they got an Oscar nod to Leo Dicaprio. Like that kid will ever amount to anything.
ASSISTANT #1: Well, actually–
JOHNNY DEPP: Quiet, I’m quirky. “Ed Wood”, “Don Juan de Marco”, “Nick of Time”, “Donnie Brasco”? No hat, no success.
ASSISTANT #2: “Donne Brasco” was a great–
JOHNNY DEPP: I’m still talking. “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, bald head: cult status.
ASSISTANT #2: Yeah, that was a good movie.
JOHNNY DEPP: I know! I was in it, and I was Quirk McQuirky Von Quirkiness. From then on, it was always one hat or crazy ‘do after another: “Pirates”, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”, “Alice in Wonderland”… Heck, even in “Public Enemies” I had a hat. But “The Tourist”? They just wanted me to act. Act, you hear me? Act!
ASSISTANT #1: But… you’re a good actor.
JOHNNY DEPP: I’m the best! But when I’m quirky, I’m better than best! I’m amazingly better! Especially if I have a hat! Even in “21 Jump Street”, I was in it–
ASSISTANT #1: That was a cameo.
JOHNNY DEPP: If you get rid of the Abercrombie guy and the fat kid who got thin and now is fat again, I was basically the star. And I had a bandana. A triumph! So, call Gore Verbinski, and tell him we have a budget slightly bigger than the Gross Domestic Product of Bolivia – but we can increase it. Tell him also to write a script that lasts at least nine hours, because you know what they say? More is more.
ASSISTANT #1: Who said that?
ASSISTANT #2: A nine-hour movie? About a quasi-obscure hero? And you’re not even the protagonist?
JOHNNY DEPP: Yes! What could possibly go wrong? Oh, yeah: get Jerry Bruckheimer. We’re going to blow stuff up in this movie. A lot of stuff. For at least two hours. People loves westerns where stuff blows up. Especially if it’s a Disney movie.
ASSISTANT #1: I’m sure. I remember all those explosions in “Mary Poppins”.
ASSISTANT #2: But… Who’s going to be The Lone Ranger?
JOHNNY DEPP: A-ha! I need an actor who could be handsome, if you look at him squinting and from a distance when he’s turned away from you behind a wall or something.
ASSISTANT #1: Do you have someone in mind?
JOHNNY DEPP: Horatio Sanz.
ASSISTANT #1: Hora–?
ASSISTANT #2: Isn’t he a Latino actor?
JOHNNY DEPP: I’m pretty sure that he’s one fourteenth of a sixteenth of half of a 78-percent Caucasian. So he’ll fit.
ASSISTANT #1: What about someone like Armie Hammer?
ASSISTANT #2: Yeah, Armie Hammer is good.
JOHNNY DEPP: Who?
ASSISTANT #1: He was in “The Social Network”.
ASSISTANT #2: And in “Mirror, Mirror”.
JOHNNY DEPP: Ah, yes! I love him! Especially in “The Birdcage”!
ASSISTANT #1: You’re thinking of Nathan Lane.
ASSISTANT #2: Armie Hammer was the Prince.
JOHNNY DEPP: Oh. Oh, I see. Yeah, he could work. I mean, “The Birdcage” dude is good, but maybe he’s too quirky and he might overshadow me. Even with a dead bird on my head.
ASSISTANT #1: Sure.
JOHNNY DEPP: Then it’s set! Call Brookie, call Verby, we’ll start tomorrow! It’ll be a sure-fire hit. What could possibly go wrong?!
The Same Office in Los Angeles — July 2013; 3:15 PM
JOHNNY DEPP: Okay, your idea of doing “The Lone Ranger” didn’t pan out.
ASSISTANT #1 / 2: Our idea?! But if–
JOHNNY DEPP: No problem; I’ve just signed for seventeen other Pirate movies, so I’m not worried, because everybody loves Jack Sparrow. You know, I modeled him after Keith Richards and Pepé Le Pew.
ASSISTANT #1: Yes.
ASSISTANT #2: Yes, we know.
JOHNNY DEPP: So, call Brookie and tell him I’ve had another idea.
ASSISTANT #1: Oh, boy.
ASSISTANT #2: What is that, Johnny?
JOHNNY DEPP: Picture this: The True Story of Jesus!
ASSISTANT #1: …you’re going to be Jesus?
JOHNNY DEPP: Of course not! He didn’t wear a hat! Just a crown, and I don’t work well with crowns. No, I’m thinking about the Apostles. They wore hats! They were quirky. Especially Judas. But he’s a negative character. So, I’ll be playing ALL of the Apostles.
ASSISTANT #1 / 2: ALL of them?!
JOHNNY DEPP: Yes. And they’ll be quirky. I’ll play Simon by taking inspiration from Moby and Snagglepuss; Andrew will be molded on Slash and Topo Gigio; James will be the mix between Björk and Bullwinkle J. Moose. John instead–
ASSISTANT #1: I have a headache.
ASSISTANT #2: Who’s going to direct it?
JOHNNY DEPP: Oh, no questions about it: Tim Burton. I want this one to be ironically ironic with a darkly dark twist.
ASSISTANT #1: The story of Jesus… ironic?
ASSISTANT #2: And produced by Jerry Bruckheimer?
JOHNNY DEPP: Yes! We need explosions! You can’t tell the story of the Son of the Lord without some good explosions. It’s going to be Jerry Bruckheimer’s Tim Burton’s Johnny Depp’s True Story of Jesus. Tagline: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know quirk.”
ASSISTANT #1: A sure-fire hit, I’m convinced.
ASSISTANT #2: Yeah.
JOHNNY DEPP: What could possibly go wrong?
The Same Office in Los Angeles — July 2015; 11:32 AM
JOHNNY DEPP: Okay, your idea of doing The True Story of Jesus didn’t pan out.
ASSISTANT #1 / 2: Our idea?! But if–
JOHNNY DEPP: No problem; I’ve just signed for twenty-six more Pirate movies, so I’m not worried, because everybody loves Jack Sparrow. But now, call Brookie and tell him I’ve had another idea.
ASSISTANT #1: Oh, boy.
ASSISTANT #2: What is that, Johnny?
JOHNNY DEPP: A remake of “Titanic”. But quirky. I’ll be playing the ship.
ASSISTANT #1: …I’ll probably be laying down, now.
