SANDLISH
An Absolutely True, 100% Real, Definitely Plausible, Completely Fabricated Meeting With…Adam Sandler
Article by Matteo Molinari
JON LOVITZ: Hey, Sandler, there’s a Sony executive who wants to see you.
ADAM SANDLER: It’s already been a year? Oh, well, send him in!
EXECUTIVE: H-hi, Mr. Sandler?
ADAM SANDLER: Oh, pish posh, “Mr. Sandler.” Mr. Sandler was my father. Just call me Lord of All the Sandlers.
(everybody in the office laughs — except for the Sony Executive)
EXECUTIVE: Mr. Sandler, I was—
ADAM SANDLER: Didn’t you hear me?
EXECUTIVE: Oh. I didn’t think you were serious.
ADAM SANDLER: I’m never serious. I’m a comedian! But in this case, I was serious.
EXECUTIVE: I see. Well, Mr. Lord of All the Sandlers—
ADAM SANDLER: Better. How can I assist you?
EXECUTIVE: We were wondering, at the Studio, about your next Summer movie. I mean, it’s already April, and we haven’t heard anything from you yet…
ADAM SANDLER: Of course! Because it’s April! When are we opening, July? Plenty of time!
EXECUTIVE: Well, a-actually, there are only three months and four days.
ADAM SANDLER: What do you need from us, a four-hour movie?
(again, everybody in the office laughs — except for the Sony Executive)
EXECUTIVE: N-no, but… Three months seems a short period of time for—
ADAM SANDLER: Hey, kid. What’s your name?
EXECUTIVE: Erwin.
ADAM SANDLER: Too complicated. I’ll call you “Gug.”
EXECUTIVE: Gug?
ADAM SANDLER: Much better. It rolls over your tongue. Doesn’t it roll over your tongue, Nealon?
KEVIN NEALON: It rolls like it has never rolled before.
ADAM SANDLER: See? So, Gug, relax! We’re like a factory of ideas, here! You want a movie? I’ll give you a movie! And it’ll be a winner, as usual. I mean, I’ll be in it — how could it possibly go wrong, right? So, a movie you want, and a movie you’ll get. Listen to this: Spade, give me the story for my next movie!
DAVID SPADE: You’re a guy married to some bangable actress, and there is a problem: she thinks you’ve done something, but you haven’t, you scream like hell in a scene, your friends make something fun, but then everything is resolved, you learn your lesson and you two live happily ever after.
ADAM SANDLER: (to the Executive) See? Pure gold!
KEVIN JAMES: And we’ll have some has-been in a major role like a mother, a father, or a teacher. The has-been will do most of the work.
ADAM SANDLER: One gem after another!
EXECUTIVE: What…? This is a joke, right?
ADAM SANDLER: No, no! This is the storyline of my next movie.
NICK SWARDSON: Uh, uh, and don’t forget the voice! You have to have the voice!
ADAM SANDLER: Of course, Swardson!
EXECUTIVE: T-the voice?
ADAM SANDLER: Yes! Everybody loves me, but they adore me when I do a funny voice! Don’t you remember “Little Nicky”? “The Waterboy”? Or when I was doing Opera Man in “Saturday Night Fever”?
EXECUTIVE: Wasn’t that ‘Saturday Night Live’?
ADAM SANDLER: Yeah, whatever. Bottom line is, the voice equals adoration.
CHRIS ROCK: Do a voice, Adam! Do a voice!
ADAM SANDLER: I can’t — I mean, I have to prepare, to study and to rehearse.
DAVID SPADE: Come on, Adam! Just a sample?
ADAM SANDLER: Oh, okay! Let’s see… Muom muom muom muom, e-e-e-e-ehh yù yù!
(everybody in the office laughs and claps — except for the Executive)
EXECUTIVE: What the hell was that?
ADAM SANDLER: My new voice for my next movie! Wasn’t it hilarious? Wait, I’ll do it again: muom muom muom muom, e-e-e-
e-ehh yù yù!
EXECUTIVE: …I didn’t know it was even possible, but you’ve chafed my ear canals.
ADAM SANDLER: Fantastic! Nothing says “adoration” more than chafed ear canals.
EXECUTIVE: What?!
ADAM SANDLER: Okay, we’re on a roll: we have a story, some has-been, and a funny voice. All we need is the title, and we’re halfway there!
EXECUTIVE: Are you serious?
ADAM SANDLER: No, I told you — I’m a comedian, I’m never serious. But in this case, I was serious.
EXECUTIVE: And… who’s writing the script?
ADAM SANDLER: Write the script? Why!? I mean, we practically have already the whole story solid as a rock.
JON LOVITZ: Besides, we’ll all be in it, and we always have such a wonderful time together, on set… Giving you hours and hours of extras for the DVD.
ADAM SANDLER: See? Making movies gets natural, for us. And we think of the home videos, too.
EXECUTIVE: But… Don’t you think acting in a movie like that is going to be arduous?
ADAM SANDLER: Don’t use words I don’t know the meaning of, now.
KEVIN NEALON: Yeah, Gug, why are you making it so complicated? I mean, it’s Adam Sandler we’re talking about! Your
cash cow! Your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! Your etrade.com stock that will never decrease in value—
ADAM SANDLER: Nealon? Are you trying to be funnier than me?
KEVIN NEALON: …sorry, Sandler.
ADAM SANDLER: Go in that corner and meditate on what you just did.
KEVIN NEALON: I apologize. Please don’t cut me from your movie like you did to Schneider in “Grown Ups 2”.
EXECUTIVE: Wait — is that the reason Rob Schneider wasn’t in “Grown Ups 2”? Because he tried to be funnier than you?
ADAM SANDLER: Nonsense! Schneider was busy.
EXECUTIVE: …doing what?
KEVIN JAMES: Oh, he’s busy all right. I met him last night at Bob’s Big Boy, we talked for a bit. He has a lot on his plate.
ADAM SANDLER: See?
KEVIN JAMES: Yeah. And you should have seen his face after I gave him that $10 tip. His eyes lit up!
ADAM SANDLER: Good for him!
EXECUTIVE: Wait a second… Rob Schneider is a wait—
ADAM SANDLER: So, let’s go back to my movie: I’m married to some bangable actress—
EXECUTIVE: Which actress?
ADAM SANDLER: I don’t know. Let me see… I’ve already used Drew Barrymore twice, Jennifer Aniston, Katie Holmes, Winona Ryder, Penélope Cruz… Isn’t there some chick you guys would like to have sex with, these days?
EXECUTIVE: Is that how you cast them?
ADAM SANDLER: Hey, I’m Adam Sandler. Any actress would stab her own mother in the eyes with knitting needles to have one of my movies on her resume.
EXECUTIVE: …sure.
ADAM SANDLER: Okay, Lovitz! Go buy the latest issue of Playboy. Whoever is on the cover, she’ll be my co-star.
JON LOVITZ: One Playboy, and it’s coming right up!
ADAM SANDLER: (in an obnoxious voice) Yes! Playboy will make it come right up!
(everybody explodes laughing — except for the Executive. Kevin James throws flowers at Sandler)
DAVID SPADE: Genius! Genius!
ADAM SANDLER: Oh, that was nothing. However, it’s a good joke, better not to waste it. Let’s close the first act of
the movie, with it.
EXECUTIVE: You’ve got to be kidding me!
ADAM SANDLER: Gug, I’m a comedian. I’m never serious. But in this case, I was serious.
EXECUTIVE: So what you’re telling me is you don’t have a story, you don’t have a co-star, you don’t have anybody… All you have is a joke that’s not even remotely funny and an annoying voice!? And you want to open in July?!
ADAM SANDLER: Wait — I haven’t gotten to the has-been yet. Give me a second: I’ve already used Kathy Bates, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken—
EXECUTIVE: Those are not has-been!
ADAM SANDLER: Oh, yes, they are!
EXECUTIVE: No, they are not!
ADAM SANDLER: They are, too! I mean, did they ever win an Oscar?
EXECUTIVE: Yes!
ADAM SANDLER: Well, anybody can win an Oscar. But did they win more than one!?
EXECUTIVE: Jack Nicholson won three!
CHRIS ROCK: Yeah, but one was for Supporting Actor. It practically doesn’t count.
EXECUTIVE: Oh, my God, you guys are crazy.
ADAM SANDLER: No, Rock is right; what are two Oscars, nowadays? I mean, can any of these so-called actors do this: muom muom muom muom, e-e-e-e-ehh yù yù!?
(again, everyone laughs except for the Executive — Nick Swardson opens a closet, and six of the Rockettes enter, dance to celebrate the joke, then leave)
EXECUTIVE: Listen, Lord of All the Sandlers: we at Sony would like to keep a working relationship with you — but you have to stop sleepwalking through your movies like you’ve done for the last ten years!
ADAM SANDLER: I don’t sleepwalk! I mean, when I did that serious movie, Tic-Tac-Toe—
DAVID SPADE: You mean “Punch-Drunk Love”?
ADAM SANDLER: —yeah, whatever. Those were the most exhausting three weeks of my life! I had to pretend to be sad, and then pretend to be happy and cheerful, and then pretend to be upset…
CHRIS ROCK: Yeah, acting can be arduous.
ADAM SANDLER: You’ve done it again! You’re using a word I don’t know the meaning of.
EXECUTIVE: “Arduous?”
ADAM SANDLER: No, “acting.” What does that mean?
EXECUTIVE: Oh, brother.
ADAM SANDLER: Gug, relax: I shouldn’t tell you, but here’s the secret of my success in movies: I always strive, I spend sometimes even a whole five minutes to find an amazingly hilarious gag, one that stands up in the middle of the ocean of jokes I constantly fill my movies with, and we put that one supreme gag in the trailer. People will see it, they’ll laugh hysterically, maybe a couple of spectators will have an aneurism — that’s always good — and bingo-bango! People will flock to see the movie.
EXECUTIVE: From one gag in the trailer?
ADAM SANDLER: Never fails. All my movies are colossal successes!
EXECUTIVE: “That’s My Boy” tanked.
ADAM SANDLER: That’s just your opinion! “That’s My Boy” was gynormous in Nigeria! It grossed $29,163 in Nigeria! That’s huge, for Nigeria! “Mamma Mia!” grossed only $19,499 in Nigeria! That’s chump change, in comparison to “That’s My Boy”!
EXECUTIVE: …we’re not making movies for Nigeria. I mean, yes, for them, too — but we’re more concerned about the domestic gross.
ADAM SANDLER: Okay, fine! To make you happy, we’ll deploy the secretest of the secret weapons.
EXECUTIVE: And what would that be?
ADAM SANDLER: The Supreme Joke of All the Supreme Jokes. Something people won’t be able to stop talking about. Something that will instantly send my movie into the prestigious and coveted Hall of Fame of Every Movie Adam Sandler Has Ever Made.
EXECUTIVE: …wouldn’t that make any of your movies automatically in—
KEVIN JAMES: Shut up, Gug!
ADAM SANDLER: I need inspiration… Swardson! Bring me the third volume of the “Encyclopedia of All the Jokes Sandler Did Involving an Oscar While Dressed as a Woman!”
NICK SWARDSON: Immediately!
EXECUTIVE: Wait… You have an encyclopedia in three volumes about “all” the jokes with an Oscar you did while dressed as a woman?! You did only one in “Jack & Jill”!
ADAM SANDLER: See, Gug, you’re jumping the gun! I don’t have an encyclopedia in three volumes about all the jokes with an Oscar I did while dressed as a woman. I have an encyclopedia in SIX volumes about all the jokes with an Oscar I did while dressed as a woman!
EXECUTIVE: Six volumes?! Who’s the idiot who wrote it?
ADAM SANDLER: Swardson.
(Jon Lovitz comes back)
JON LOVITZ: One Playboy, right here!
KEVIN NEALON: Yes. And you have the magazine, too.
ADAM SANDLER: Nealon… What did I tell you trying to be funnier than me?
KEVIN NEALON: Sorry. Should I go back in the corner?
EXECUTIVE: All right, you guys! I have to leave. I see you’re the most unprofessional, sleepwalking, self-absorbed group of people set to rob the audience not only of their money but also of two hours of their time! If you don’t want to do a movie with us, just say so!
(the Executive gets up to leave)
ADAM SANDLER: Come on, Gug! We were all pulling your legs.
EXECUTIVE: …what?
CHRIS ROCK: Yeah! This is not how we write a movie!
KEVIN JAMES: Not at all!
EXECUTIVE: Are you serious?
ADAM SANDLER: Gug, I’m never serious. I’m a comedian! But in this case, I was serious.
EXECUTIVE: …so?
ADAM SANDLER: This is how we write two movies!
NICK SWARDSON: Because we want to make them well.
DAVID SPADE: I smell a franchise!
EXECUTIVE: You guys are the worse!
(the Executive leaves, fuming. A moment of awkward silence, then…)
ADAM SANDLER: Muom muom muom muom, e-e-e-e-ehh yù yù!
(everyone explodes laughing. Confetti start falling from the ceiling. Circus clowns, jugglers and trapeze artists celebrate the amazingly hilarious joke)
