FROM THE DARK SIDE: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE)

ATM

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

**1/2

Review by Kerr Seth Lordygan

The Human Centipede sucks ass.

No, I’m serious.

Tom Six’s film is about a trio of people who are sewn together mouth to ass to create a “centipede” type creature. And then when one defecates, well…..you know.

Six wrote the film after he would tell friends that being sewn to another’s ass would be just punishment for pedophiles and other repugnant criminals. His friends thought the imagery was gross and so now we have this masterpiece. I don’t think people can find a way to get much closer to each other, do you?

But truly, the performances really make this film. Dieter Laser as Dr. Heiter is crucial. I mean, it’s almost believable that you’d run into this guy’s house in the middle of a rainy night looking to use the phone after your car breaks down and find yourself sewn to your friend’s asshole. Dr. Heiter was a brilliant surgeon famous for detaching Siamese twins. He’s got a God complex of sorts, and sews unsuspecting victims mouths to each other’s anal canals. Yes, it’s true, I enjoy writing that and will do so as often as I can get away with. But the Doctor’s surgical blueprints were created by an actual doctor consultant, and are thusly very real plans that could be used by a surgeon. I can picture the convo now, “Excuse me, Doctor, I’m making a movie. Could you tell me how, if you were hypothetically going to sew three people together ass to mouth, how you would go about doing it?” Laser finds different levels to this crazy character and is a delight to watch, especially when he dances around in joy, by himself, celebrating his successful accomplishment.

Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie play the young hot girls who fall into this mess. They’re quite comical, in a way that leads one to say, “Oh my gawd, I know annoying chicks like that!” And they also scream well. Akihiro Kitamura plays the front of the centipede. He only speaks Japanese. And then when the girls’ mouths are butt-fixed, there’s not much more English being spoken for a while.

A couple cops get involved later on (played by Andreas Leupold and Peter Blankenstein). What happens with them isn’t all that believable. I wanted to scream at them to get wise a couple times, but I guess then it wouldn’t be as interesting a story. Well, I guess the story isn’t so much interesting as it is….gross. I have friends who have been having nightmares about this film after hearing about the premise alone. So we shall see what magic awaits us in “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” in which twelve humans will be sewn together (yes, asshole-to-mouthhole, there I go again, and it felt good!) to make up a much larger centipede. Isn’t that exciting? I wonder what’s going to happen! Well, Six promises more shock and more blood and more gross. OK. Can he live up to that promise? 2011 will be the year we find out!

So enjoy the film and good luck. Oh, and next time someone joshes with you that you have a little brown stuff on your nose, may you have different imagery in your mind from here on out. Sorry, I’m an asshole. But at least I’m not sewn to one.